I know some people who have stayed in relationships with people because they think they can ‘fix’ the person they have a relationship with even if it affects their happiness. It could be a friendship or a relationship with their boyfriend/girlfriend. But one person can’t fix someone else. If someone has gone through life changing experiences that has led them to being depressed or led to addictions to drugs/alcohol or whatever it is, no one can help them but themselves. The person who is ‘broken’ has to want to change, they have to want to get better and this is because we all control our own happiness. No one makes our decisions for us. Just like we make the decisions to take a drink or stay in bed all day and not talk to anyone, we also make the decisions that make us happy. We choose to go out with friends, we choose to go for a run and we choose to get better.
Lots of people I know have had long, serious relationships that have been on and off a ridiculous amount of times. At the beginning I used to feel sorry for my friends and get all girly and ‘take their side’ while the relationship was off… but after this happens about three times within two months it gets boring. The cycle gets predictable and the sympathy wears off. I used to think I was being a bad friend by having these thoughts but I wasn’t. It was me taking control of my own happiness.
It’s hard to explain without sounding selfish. I was always, always there for my friends and I always am there for my friends to talk about what they need to talk about and I have always given my honest advice. It’s when I give people the same advice over and over again and they don’t listen that it gets frustrating. Personally, I don’t see the attraction of getting stuck in an on/off relationship. It is draining, it’s boring and it will never last. I’ve been there before but after giving it a few goes I realised that I needed to take my own advice.
1. I control my own happiness.
I have had so many good times with different people – nights out, adventures and, believe it or not, a ‘romantic’ date or two. All these memories are happy memories and they were fun at the time but that doesn’t mean they are happy memories because of the people who I shared them with. I think that’s where it can get confusing for people. We think back on some of the happiest moments of our lives and we remember who was there with us and we think we need those people again to feel that happiness. But realistically, when you think about it, it was you that felt that happiness. It was you that was processing all of those happy thoughts and all that happiness was coming from inside your mind.
2. Some things just aren’t meant to be
I always feel like I need a reason for something not working out the way I hoped it would have. Sometimes I get an answer and it’s easy to move on from someone because I feel like I’ve dealt with it by finding a reason. Other times it’s not so easy to just forget about someone. I end up finding myself asking why it didn’t work out or what happened and I just don’t get an answer. Whether it’s an ignored message or I just can’t work out the reasons in my head it becomes so hard to just let go of a situation. Then I realised that sometimes not getting an answer is enough. I have to accept that sometimes there won’t be a clear reason for something not working out and that’s okay.
3. It’s okay to be selfish sometimes
Sometimes I have to distance myself from ‘draining’ people for myself. I have to move on from people and situations that are dragging the life out of me and that are taking all of my energy. Sometimes it is okay to make selfish decisions if your own happiness depends on it. When someone hasn’t listened to your advice over and over again – it’s okay to stop giving them advice. When someone you try to help ‘fix’ doesn’t try to fix themselves – it is okay to walk away from them and accept that you can’t fix them. When your mental health and your happiness are depending on it – it is okay to make selfish decisions.
4. Creating Happy
When I started surrounding myself with people and things that made me happy, I obviously started becoming a happier person. I decorated my room with things that inspire me and make me happy. I started wearing clothes that I felt comfortable in and confident in. I started doing more of what makes me happy and spending time with people who helped me bring out the positive side of myself. We all love a good cry and a sad song sometimes, we all need that sometimes. But I started listening to happy songs and reading happy quotes and I became more and more positive. I’m not saying I am constantly happy (believe me I’m an antichrist usually at any time before 12 in the afternoon), but I do know that all it takes is one positive thought to become happy.
I have realised that it’s important to put myself and my happiness first sometimes. It’s important to love the person I am, believe in myself and know that no one controls my happiness but me. So the next time you do something make sure you’re doing it for you. Don’t go on a night out with your friends to make your ex jealous, don’t put up a picture to get a reaction from someone else and don’t let someone else’s opinion define who you are. Go out to make yourself feel good. Put a picture up because it makes you feel confident about it. Be the person you want to be without worrying about anyone else’s opinions. Control your happiness.